Memories. Part 1

Today I am being reminiscent about the two most memorable years of life - my last 2 years of Engineering College.
Well these years are always memorable for everyone mostly because of 3 reason- best friends for life, first love and thirdly something crazy that we have always dreamt of and end up achieving it.

Mine too were very similar having all three reasons in somewhat equal share but the first and the last reason were sort of interconnected. This is for my best friend Anant and the best two years of life that we had. Yes I've written countless blogs and experiences with him but I guess that's the essence of our experiences and friendship.

Can we leave the pre-presentation stage and jump to the presentation preparation?
That night in the balcony when we were sipping beer with max belting out some amazing numbers on his guitar(:p) we had a call from the connected and Bakra that they won't be accompanying us to the presentation to Bangalore. You were shocked and scared and I burst out laughing. Though we had expected it, it was a matter of concern as most of the teams had 5 people at the presentation. That night we had made up, experience and certificate counts. Nobody believed us. And why would they? We had lost twice. Our designs were utter failures. Elementary mistakes where we couldn't sum up 2+2 to form a design. Nobody from our college had ever made the cut.
We sipped our beers, breezed past the presentation and just sat there in the balcony feeling the soothing breeze.

BUS Journey:
We had a bus from Pune to Bangalore at 4pm the next day. We had apparently booked the most luxurious bus possible for travel but is the legroom ever enough in any bus for 6 footers? The journey began. We nervously kept going through the presentation again and again just to find some error through the bus until it got dark. The bus stopped at a beautiful (:p) dhaba for dinner as you would expect on a highway. The food was impeccably spicy with chillies sprewed all over the curry, we ended up eating nothing. We decided to forget that over our sleep.

Bang!!!!!

Dead Man

He was on fire. People were happy and drunk and he made them even happier by hitting every Dire Strait lick perfectly. Nothing could have been better for the day. Fancy dress, pretty guitar, beautiful girls and his gleaming face. It was for times like these he lived but then times like these were never meant to last. The gig was over, the bar had to rest and get ready for tomorrow. And then he was back to his rags with the dress and the guitar taken away. Only things that remained the same were drunk faces and beautiful girls leaving the place and of course the gloomy nights and the gloomy days that lay ahead.

“Hey you played really well today, what is your name”?

“Avi“, replied the shy talent.

“I was going to have another drink Avi, would you care for one“, asked the young man.

 He was clean shaved, and had peculiarly loud expression. His eyes were saying something, had something unusual about them, Avi was thinking. What was it? Whatever it was Avi could still use a free drink.

“A drink would be nice but the bar is closed“, said Avi.

“I know a place, come along“.

The night was thick and streets were empty, they lived in a city where night life was meant for only two types of men. Those who didn’t really had a job to be attended in the morning, they were called bums. And those who didn’t needed a job, they were the spoilt offsprings of the elite class.

It was a ten minute walk which led them to a bar hidden behind a shady shutter. The place didn’t look very inviting but the beer worked just fine.

“Hey, why don’t you give me guitar lessons“? asked the man.

“Because I don’t give guitar lessons. “

“Why don’t you give guitar lessons? “

“Because I don’t feel like giving Guitar lessons. “

“Why can’t you use little money, you don’t seem to have much. “

“Oh come on man, you are not going to counsel me on my financial affairs are you? “

“It’s okay, “the man slowly placed his hands on his thigh. Then his hand slowly reached for his crouch. That was it. Avi understood what his eyes were trying to say when they first met. In no time Avi was on his way home. Home was a very fancy name for a stinky, dingy kind of place he lived in. It was a shack that has not been cleaned in a lifetime. It had a leaking roof, broken windows, some broken furniture that would settle for half a wardrobe and three quarters of a bed and yes, a wife.  

 “Where have you been, and with whom have you been, “his wife started pig of a fight as soon as he reached home. 

“Don’t you know you have a wife to attend? “

“I was with a guy, Shelly. “

“So now you were with a guy. You filthy piece of shit, now you are interested in men. First you couldn’t decide a career for yourself and now you can’t decide your sexual preferences. What kind of a man you are? Will you ever settle down for once or are you going to be an entirely new person everyday for the rest of your life? “

Shelly did not know that he just managed to save himself from man pounding instead of going in for one, but whatever she said surely had some truth in it. Avi was a fickle minded man. All these years he was busy doing something new each day. He couldn’t pick up a career because nothing amused him for long enough. He had been a painter, a writer, he played almost all the instruments and he has also worked as a mechanic. In all these years of poverty he had changed his jobs more frequently than he had changed shirts. Perhaps the only thing he never tried was dance.

“I think I will learn Salsa. Are you listening Shelly? I am saying I will learn Salsa. “

“Now where did that come from? “ she replied in an irritated tone.

“My mother always wanted me to learn dance. “

“Your mother wanted you to become a doctor. “

“But I am haemophobic. “

“Last I checked you didn’t like dance either. “

“I still don’t like dance. “

“I was thinking of learning it for my mother. Okay fuck dancing what else should I do? I want to do something.  “

“We have been living on a meal a day from almost a month now and all you are concerned about is trying out something new to amuse yourself. Why don’t you consider dying that would be some real fun, you asshole. “

“That certainly could be done. All I ever wanted from life was dying young and famous. Fame I don’t think belongs to me what is the harm in dying young then. I have lived, tried and breathed almost everything by now. I guess I will better be dead now. “

“You are sick and I am leaving, “she had already begun packing her stuff.

“It was your Idea, “he said almost baffled. “And do not leave right now. “

“I never expected that you would want me to stay. “

“I am not asking you to stay. All I am saying is, it is 3 o’ clock right now, where will you go at this hour. Wait till the Sun shows, fuck me goodbye and then leave. See I am a caring husband. “

Shelly gathered her belongings, she didn’t had much, slapped him goodbye and left. Avi and his thought of dying sat alone for the rest of the night. He kept wondering what went wrong. It was Shelly only that had stuck as constant all these years to his ever miserable life. But things started to change lately, his fondness for her had already begun fading and today she left. Avi’s Shelly left today. Rest of the night went by with Avi pondering over prospective ways to commit a suicide.

It was morning and his already pathetic place was in an even worse shape with the mattresses cut open, utensils on the floor and wardrobes been robbed brutally by their very own master. All this drill was conducted in the hope of finding the last crisp of money sitting somewhere in hiding. He found enough money to buy some cheap liquor and pills for himself. He got pills of every color and kept them close like a five year old would do with his candies. Avi picked up a pen and a paper to write a suicide note. What could have he possibly written in a suicide note? He was not unhappy, he was poor but comfortable with his condition, he didn’t owe money to anybody, and he couldn’t find a cause that would convince a suicide note. He wanted to die simply because he didn’t have anything else left to do. So he threw away the pen and the paper and relaxed with the company of his newly bought bottle. Soon he was drunk and took all the pills, all at the same time. He always feared that he would die alone and here he was dying all by himself. A sudden fit of anger caused him to throw anything within his reach to anywhere in the house. The clinking and crashing was way too loud for a quiet afternoon.

“What happened to you? “said a beautiful voice. “Are you all right now? “

The voice was beautiful but not very clear to him. Avi couldn’t make out where he was lying; all he could see were bright gleaming spots of light. 

I am the Salsa trainer from across the street was the last thing he heard. 

Motion or E-motion?

Writing today after a very very long time makes me feel weird. It's as if i had distanced myself from a true friend and listener. Just feels like I just ditched you and went away to something I desired. But today i really felt the urge to write about relationships. I really tried stopping myself from writing this but i just can't. I have missed this friend since a very very long time and i should have known.

Cities change. New people enter everyone's lives. But does that mean old priorities change? I think no. In the world of technology all we have become is a status update, a testimony, a like, a comment, a drink at the bar and hooking up with random strangers after getting battered and sharing our griefs out to them, smoking up a joint and maybe just arguing with our parents all the while. We have become slaves of technology without any emotions. We have come to a day where it is difficult for us to understand if a person is feeling constipated or is he annoyed. The understanding is completely missing. There is no emotion in the relationships, just motion. The kids are a liability and responsibility of the parents, the old parents are a formality and intrusion of privacy to their not so young married kids and the list just continues. 

No call or text for a couple of hours and they think the love has diminished. Now I value old age relationships even more as they did not have the modern day communication systems and they used to wait for ages for their lovr letters to arrive. We need to realise that true love and relationships do not fade away with distance or time. They are murdered. And we all know how they are murdered. Enough of Bollywood movies have been telecasting them since ages. 

We need to move out of motions. Take control. Understand. Give them adequate space and believe they will come as yours. Also in the mean while be independent as well. Adds to the growth instead of the fighting and dragging down.

Be A Rebel?

'Mom, I am writing this post not to degrade or insult you, but only to express my anger and frustration built up inside due to all the drama at home' read the mail as I attached the link to his very recent post which I had written. I was completely frustrated by the drama he had been facing at home from his parents over anything and everything I did. I went through the final draft once again and hit SEND.

'I had no other option than to light the first cigarette I was holding in one of my hands. The other hand had which had my mark sheet with an 'F' mark on it. Yes F mark. I had failed in a subject. Someone who scored a 92 in 10th, 89 in 12th, had an F on his mark sheet. The burden to face my parents and show them the mark sheet was just getting heavier by the second. I did not know how and what to show them. I decided not to tell them anything, dumped the mark sheet in the bag, smoked the cigarette and walked home. I could not face my mom that evening. I could not make any sort of eye contact. I just felt a guilt rip my conscience. So i lit another cigarette and smoked the burden away. I studied harder that semester. I had to prove it to myself i was not as bad as my grades showed. But I hit another 'F.' Yes another F. after all the effort i faced another F. I had nowhere to go. What face would i take home? A family where we have pass outs from IIM's and IIT's I had two backlogs from a not so bad deemed university. 

I lit up another cigarette. The flowing ashes seem to be taking away some burden of mine. Not all of it. I called up my best friend. Lets grab a drink he said. I thought he was talking about a cold drink we regular;y had at the local general store, but it was different this time. I just gulped down my final bottle of beer enough to make me tipsy. Not high. 

I felt the worries and burdens of expectations fly away as I rode my scooty back home. The cool breeze, and the beer worked their magic but only for a while. I was stopped by a traffic cop. He asked me to breathe out on some kind of machine which showed some numbers. It showed 70mg/100ml. I did not understand what it was but by the looks of the cops face it did not look good. Fortunately for me he just gave me receipt of 2000 bucks and took my licence and vehicle. Phew saved. I dumped the receipt into the bag along with the mark sheet having 2 F's, went home and slept.
I woke up to sobs. I looked around so i found my mom holding my bag and two documents. I knew I had it today. Now or never.
"We expected better of you Rohan. We have given you everything possible. Your own room, AC, cellphone everything. We have put up with all your tantrums too. Why do you need a car to college? We haven't forced you to do engineering but you really seem to be not understanding. You are completely lazy, irresponsible, careless son we had never expected to have...."

"Mom!! Mom!! Can you just stop crying and giving me enough drama. I already have enough on my head. I don't need any of your drama now."
"How dare you talk to your mother like that? You have let us down big time. You don't handle your responsibilities, do not wish to study, waste time in that stupid gadget of yours everyday, you want the best ever phone, car but no studies at all. You want to watch netflix everyday and do nothing other than laze around? Do you even care to talk to us? Do you even consider us family? And when were you going to tell us about this?

Backlogs? Nobody in our family has ever got this. And drunk driving? Since when are you drinking?
"I smoke too" I replied stone heartedly to make them shut up
How dare you talk to us like that?
I walked out.

Lit another cigarette and just walked away, determined to prove them wrong. But my way.

You must be thinking like every other teenager I took up drinking and smoking incessantly without limits and that under peer pressure I just became a complete rebel fighting for my freedom?
No. You are wrong. You are in for a shock i should say.

Yes I have had my phone checked by my mother, pocket money curtailed, parents's trust lost, been lonely(so called), fought the world alone for my rights, fought my parents for every small thing coming close to ruining my freedom, and maybe close to endless other things every teenager fights for.

Yes we are different. But so are they. They have seen. They have endured. They have changed. Well i really do not blame our parents for the way they react to every action of ours. We ourselves are the reason behind it. Our generation (actually a few cartoons) and few of our rebellious actions are the reason for it. I mean the beer bottle in every picture of you and your friend make them think we are drunkards and go around senselessly doing wild things, We are stopped from hanging out with friends because they do not trust our friends until they meet them, and even after that if they are not good (but hell no they can't be bad:they are MY friends right?). But do we really care? NO.

Maybe we should. Maybe we should strike a balance and reduce the generation gap we have. Let's talk to them and tell them about our choices. Make them understand why we choose certain things we choose. Try and understand things out of their experience. They do have done wild things. Yes they have. My dad keeps telling me about his beer escapades and how he had landed in trouble with with the principal of his school for his mischiefs in school. But in all of them there was one thing common. My grandfather. My dad always confided in him more than he confided in his best friend and he always supported him. He scolded him when he was wrong but also showed him the right way and helped him walk it (but our generation is too independent and strong to accept help, let be our old stupid parents.).

All I am trying to say is we need to talk to them and strike a balance. If they can understand and change to use social media and smart phones(not the optimum usage though), change to western form of clothing and accept the western culture, they can accept the difference and change in the thought process. We need to talk to them, confide them and make them our friends because we need to understand the mistakes and make our new ones.

WE DO NOT LIKE TO BE PINNED DOWN.

I guess that is a reflex reply you might have given. Yes the parents too have to play a part in this. They have to be understanding, supportive (not always), provide ADEQUATE freedom(Not too less for us and not too much for you). Listen to us. Listen what we wish to express and do not judge us. Tell us if we are wrong. Discuss how can we change things, rectify our mistakes. But most of all stand by us.

Please let us make our own mistakes and help us stand up and go through them. That is for our own good. We will come back to you stronger, but if you help us we will be even more stronger.  We are smart and sane enough to understand the good and bad, but you can help us find the better by discussing things.

Simply talk to them and make them trust you enough with yopur choices that they discuss different probabilities of change and improvement s whole.

Suno sabki aur karo man ki ;)

Today I work at a multinational corporation, take my own decisions convincing my parents(They come to me for solutions), and have open hearted conversations with them. They are my best friends now.

A Tinder Date?

Swipe left.
Swipe right.

Umm not bad. Swipe right.

OMG. That smile. That smile just made my day. She's like out of my league. And she's a lawyer. But that smile.
That is a million dollar smile. I could just keep looking at that smile forever and ever.

I'll swipe right for that smile. No chance of a match.

You and Nikita have a match.

Oh shit. Rohan was running around the room dancing and thinking like how did this happen?

Is this real? Like real? Did she just like me? Or was it by mistake?

"Hey. You have an amazing smile. PS not flirting."

"Hey there. That's so kind of you. Didn't take it that way. So you're a engineer and you write? Where do you get that sort of time from?"

"Its my passion for both. Hey this app takes up too much of my battery. Do you mind if we WhatsApp or something? That is if you dont have a problem."

"Ya sure. You're a marwadi!!. You're a marwadi!!."

"Ya I am a Jain marwadi. Why? What's the big deal?"

"History repeats itself. My ex was a Jain marwadi. You free in the evening? Let's meet up for some where."

"Sure."

She looked beautiful and formal wearing a magenta top and a long full navy blue skirt with a perfect amount of eye make up suiting her face.

Wow. She looks stunning. Her smile. Her face. The way she carries herself. She does not look like she's not from Mumbai.

"Let's go by metro. I haven't ever travelled by metro in Mumbai."

"Cool. TBSE saki naka will do?"

And then began the typical conversation every person from Mumbai and Delhi has when they meet. From metro's to markets, to people to happening food places to women safety to food.

Somebody said food? FOOD? Yes Food.
Yes food. and that's where we hit it off.

"What options do you have being a vegetarian? I pity you." and she gave a heartful laugh.

And we just continued talking about the different kinds of food we had and the different places to eat around. We kept ordering drinks not knowing the time. But i must give it to her for knowing more eating spots around Mumbai and her taste for food even though she is from Delhi. It was going good. Decently good. we seemed to have hit off well. Good beginning for me considering i was thinking of not having a chance. But then..

"My ex got married couple of months ago." And i was like what's with our ex's? Can't they just live in peace and let our lives and minds be at peace? But anyway that was not the point because i too was sailing in a similar boat.
"He too was a Jain. wanted to get married early as they do in your community. I am too young for it. Not even settled...."

"He must a rich Marwadi. Why do you need to be settled? I asked mockingly.
"He is a pure vegetarian too. I was ready to leave non-veg for him..."

"That would have been a waste. And shocking too" I blurted out laughing.

She gave me a angry look but then laughed.

We kept looking at each other, fought over the bill and then i dropped her to another TBSE where she was to meet more friends.

Yes she got a heavy heart, a messy soul, a reckless mind and i think its beautiful the way she carries herself.

Tinder isn't just meant for meet and sleep. Maybe interesting people can meet and hit up too, more often. We need to clear are heads and conscience.

The Smile

Hello there! I guess introductions are in order. I’m not going to bother with any names here. I’m probably known by more names than you might care to remember.

  

But a little background on yours truly.  In my circles, I’m known as The Smile (yes, I’m that awesome). I could have gotten a day job, but really, what’s the fun in that? In my profession, you have to be really chilled out, a smooth talker, confident… you know, like that James Bond fellow. I am a grifter and pull low profile jobs at high profile night clubs across Goa, three nights a week, rotating amongst the list of hunting spots. Most people we hit are so drunk, they have no idea that they’ve been fleeced until the next day, when they (totally hungover) realize that they’re missing their damn Rolex!

Coming back to the story, it was the month of March. Business is generally low this time of the year since there are not a lot of premium targets around. Most of the crowd is just a bunch of juvenile college blokes who come to Goa for cheap booze and women. But occasionally, you do get lucky enough to come across some pompous idiot flaunting the Armani shirts or the Gucci shoes.

So here I was, at this shack party at the Anjuna, where the over enthusiastic DJ was acting like he was something from Tomorrow Land while he pumped the place with senseless EDM. Now, there are 2 type of people at club parties: The Dancers and the Bar Stool Warmers. I like to focus on the latter. Their inhibited state and total willingness to pay extra for the alcohol made them easy game. This night was no different. 

It was only 1am and I had already got myself a big fat wallet, a nice looking pair of Raybans and two identical diamond rings which I had managed to get off a pair of tipsy honeymooners. Things were looking promising. I sat down at the bar and ordered myself a glass of Glenfiddich. I like to enjoy the finer things in life, besides, I had done good that night.

Then I saw her. I was kind of surprised I hadn’t noticed her before. She seemed to be alone. I don’t want to sound shallow here, but as she stood there at the bar in that perfect black dress and with the perfect curly black hair and those pretty brown eyes, she looked a BOMB! Now I generally have all sorts of rules when I’m at work, and the number one rule was : Do Not interact with the women, no flirting whatsoever, unless she is a mark. There are too many distractions as it is in my line of work and this woman right now was ticking all the boxes. 

But there was something about her. I just had to talk to her. I had enough loot for the night anyways, so I reasoned that a little fun couldn’t hurt.

“Gods! I wish the DJ would be more creative with his music” I said as I sat on the barstool next to her.

She looked at me with those big eyes, as if studying me. Gosh! She had pretty eyes!

“I think he is doing rather well” she said. “You either know nothing about EDM or are just trying to small talk. So which one is it?”

I sighed almost dramatically and smiled my prize winning smile. “Guilty on both accounts I’m afraid. 

So if I may ask, what are you doing here all alone?”

“My boyfriend is just outside parking his car. It’s a lot of trouble finding a parking spot. So really, I don’t want to waste your time. ”

“Well he seems to be taking a while. How about I buy you a drink while we wait? I’m sure your boyfriend won’t mind”. It was a long shot, but the night was young and I was sure as hell that the boyfriend thing was just a cover.

It was the way she looked at me then. Not in that “You are interesting and your smile makes me go loony” look. It was more like “You’re-an- interesting- specimen –and- I- would- like-to- cut you open- to find out why” look. But I was too much into her at the time to care. That was me breaking my second rule : Never ignore your instincts.

“One drink” she said as she smiled at me, “Just cause you’re so nice”.

I ordered Vodka with Orange Juice for her as I enjoyed my scotch (Don’t really know what is it with women and Vodka. It’s like a universal bar drink for the womenfolk).

“So you wanna tell me your name?” I asked.

“Lets just keep it simple, shall we? No names. I’m really into the mystery and enigma sort”

“Weird”, I though. But whatever. I was secretly hoping that her boyfriend (if at all there was one) would not find a parking spot for some time. She seemed pretty cool. We spoke about lots of things over the vodka. Then we ordered another. And another. Then another. As we giggled observing a couple dance awkwardly on the dance floor, I looked at my new Hublot which I had snitched a few days ago from a shack at the Baga.

“3 am!” I exclaimed, “Seems your boyfriend ditched you!”

“Oh gimme a break!” she responded winking at me, “You knew all along that I was here all alone. I like to come here for a drink sometimes. I stay not far from here. I work at the Westin as a sous-chef. And I don’t have many friends here. Just my luck right? I stay in probably the coolest place in the country, and still manage to make it suck.”

“We can’t have that now, can we?” I said and extended my hand to her. “How about a dance? That should cheer you up. I’m told I am pretty good.”

“I don’t even know you. Why on earth would I want to dance with you?”

“Aw c’mon!! We’ve been talking for nearly 3 hours now!” I exclaimed. “And besides, it’s just a dance. No hanky panky. Swear to God.” I said raising my palm.

 “I’m not a good dancer” she said as she looked down at her feet, “I’ll probably end up stepping on your foot and breaking your toe or something.”

“I think I’ll take my chances with that” I said smiling as I took her hand and led her to the dance area.

Now if you’ve ever been to a shack party in Goa, you’d know that the dance floor is like a mini and a less brutal version, of a mosh pit with people standing real close to each other dancing the weird dance moves as they listen to the trance music. One might say that such a place would be ideal for pick pocketing, but the real deal is that, where there are too many people, there are too many eyes. And if even one pair of eye catches you, your game is up. 

So I generally refrain from working on the dance floor unless I am pretty sure the crowd is just too high (rave parties anyone?) to notice.

So me and this beautiful chick, whose name I still did not know, went onto the dance area and started dancing to the music along with the hundred others. Occasionally we’d bump into someone else, and laugh and move away to bump into somebody else. Admittedly, she was a REALLY bad dancer.

After nearly fifteen minutes of dancing and endlessly crashing into others and each other, we finally decided to leave. Hand in hand, we moved back towards the bar laughing at our own awkward dance moves and joking about how many toes we must have stepped on today.

“Thanks for the good time” she said to me as we came to the bar area. “But I have to leave now. I’m dead beat. Whew!”

“ No, thank you!” I said. There was some small commotion on the dance floor. I looked towards there to see what it was all about, but then I noticed that she was already heading towards the parking lot. I ran and caught up to her and shouted “Wait!!”. She turned around, eyes wide. I ran upto her and asked for her hand. 

She looked at me with suspicion (I was a stranger at the club afterall) but extended her palm. I took out my pen (Cross, nicked 2 weeks ago) and scribbled my number on it.

“I know it might be weird for me to ask you for your number” I said, “So here is mine. Let me know if you’re ever feeling bored again. I’m sure we can do something fun like this”

She smiled a real toothy smile “You’re sweet” she said as she kissed me on the cheek “Maybe I will call you” winking at me she got into her car. I just stood there and watched her car’s tail lights disappear into the night. Which was about when I felt a tug on my collar. One of the bouncers pulled me back and I only had the time to see an angry crowd behind him before he punched the living daylights out of me.

Well kids, that was the end of The Smile. Two hours later, there was a police van outside the club with me handcuffed in the back with a black eye. They had taken all the stuff I had nicked from my coat pocket. But I couldn’t understand. How did they catch me? I was pretty sure I hadn’t let anything slip. I sat slumped at the back of the van, and herd the police men talking amongst themselves

“Did you get all the stuff off him?”

“Well yeah, most of the stuff at least. But it wasn’t really valuable. Just a few fake bracelets and such trinkets these stupid rich children wear to these places.”

“That’s it?”

“Well no. Apparantly there is a couple who is missing their diamond rings and this other man who is missing a super expensive watch and another one missing his wallet full of cash. We couldn’t find that lot on him. Don’t know where it went…

Things I Learnt

Just putting down a few thoughts I have experienced myself.

We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
The same goes for true love.
You can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.


You should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
You can keep going long after you can't.
We are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

Money is a lousy way of keeping score.
My best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.


It isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
No matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
Just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
You shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
Two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.
Your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
Even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
Credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
The people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon.

No matter how bad your situation is, somebody stands for you no matter what you do. You need to be humble enough to accept it.

The story of a Young, Independent Woman

"Be careful of the vase!!" Anjali screeched at the girl who had just entered the room.
"Sorry!!" the girl apologised with a childish smile and tongue half out accepting her mistake.

"Hi, I'M Kanica.. I work at Accenture and I'm doing my part time MBA from NMIMS. I love to read, dance,listen to music,gossip. I have a boyfriend. He is handsome and we are going to get married....."

"That's your bed. Do not use any of my things and leave me alone." Anjali interrupted the happy, excited Kanica in the middle of her introduction and just walked into the corner. There was a table in the corner with a lot of papers piled up in bundles. But what caught Kanica's eye was the type writer at the corner of the table.

Anjali had begun typing. Her hair tied up in a bun, wearing a pale yellow salwar, She looked like a young woman in her early 30s. Kanica took a couple of steps towards the table.

"STOP right there. Do not even think about it. I told you; do  not touch my things. Stick to your corner." Anjali bossed over Kanica without looking at her.

"Hi Kanica. Be careful of the strict aunty. She's annoying and lonely and strict. Do not mess with her" a few girls entered the room giggling.

In those five minutes Kanica had understood that her roomie was an introvert who liked to be in her own space and that most of the girls in the working woman's hostel hated her for it.



A few days passed. The daily routine continued the same. Anjali always stayed in her corner not allowing anyone to enter her space, Kanica trying to make a conversation without any success and Anjali disturbing Kanica's sleep every night with her type writer.

One night Kanica came back late. She was wearing a beautiful black colour one-piece gown, just short enough to not provocate a man's senses. She looked beautiful in the dress except that she was uncharacteristically silent and had no smile on her face.

"Don''t stop your tears from flowing. Let your emotions flow. Emotions kept inside are the biggest poison. If you are comfortable you can share your problems to me. Maybe I won't be of much help but never the less it will help you to reduce your pain!" Anjail consoled Kanica with a hug.

Kanica broke down. Tears started flowing down her cheeks.

"My boyfriend does not love me anymore. He used to get me flowers, chocolates, or used to take me shopping, or something exciting everytime I met him. But these days he is just too boring. he just wants to sit around watching Cricket or Soccer which I do not understand. When I told him to watch my favourite TV show he just walked off into the room. When I asked him what happened he just said he needed his space. Like where have I taken his space??"

"Sssshhhhhh!!! Just shut up. Typical new generation girl thinks she is independent and strong to build up an attitude and ego so big that she thinks she is the queen of the world. Why do you want your boyfriend to always do things you like? Why do you want him to do things for you? Like carry your shopping bags, or actually shop for you, or even for that matter stand outside the trial room until you finish trying 100 dresses and asking him which one looked HOT. You girls want a personal valet and servant who is educated and qualified enough to earn and spend on you with amazing patience and understanding to take your tantrums...."

"What are you talking about?" Kanica asked stunned at the peaceful rant Anjali had meated out at her.

"Simply speaking why can't you let your guy be the guy he is. Let him do his things for a while that he likes to do. Give him company for these things. And for once stop acting like a small weak girl who needs attention at every step she takes. You call yourself independent, self-sustaining and confident right? Then why ask your boyfriend to drop you home everytime? Too short on money or too delicate to travel by bus or train? Why ask him to shop and gift things to you? Aren't you earning enough money for that? Are you going to fall if you carry your own bags or is your nail polish going to spoil? You girls will never grow up. always demanding, always in their fantasy world where everything has to be perfect without you struggling hard for anything!!Why do you need him to always understand your emotions without you sharing anything? Is he that smart or is he that dumb??"

"Okay..." Kanica replied since she had nothing to argue. She was beaten all ends up.

Anjali picked up her phone and stormed out of the room.

Kanica stood up and went to the balcony which was facing the beautiful Arabian Sea. The breeze was mild with the moon almost full and bright in the cloudless sky. Kanica for the first time in her life was hit by the truth. Bitter truth. She had taken way too much advantage of her boyfriend. But why shouldn't she? She was educated, beautiful, hot, earning, So she deserved an obedient boyfriend and according to her her behaviour was completely justified.

In the backdrop of coconut trees and the beach she saw Anjali. She was sitting on a rock alone and by the looks of it crying to herself. Kanica was really curious to know why.

"What's your story?"
"I have no story"
"You can trust me. I am not like the girls of my generation. I understand your anger, your understanding, your maturity and your struggles."


Crasssh!!
Crasssh!!
Two beer bottles came crashing right next to where both of them were sitting.

"Hey sexy women. Come spend the night with us. We can wipe your tears and make you happy. We have lots of money and even bigger guns to satisfy you" screamed four drunk men from a distance across the shallow water around the rocks.

"Leave us alone" begged Kanica
"Oh come on baby!! Show me some of your amazing curves."
"Please leave us alone. Take all our money. Leave us alone. Please" weeped Kanica.

The weeping effed the drunkards and they started moving towards them and within no time reached the rock.

"You fuck*** bast****!!! Dare touch her or me and I will kill you."
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You will kill us. Show us how?"


Anjali picked up the ends of the broken bottles and started swinging like in a sword fight.

"Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" screamed a drunkard holding his neck. Anjali had cut his neck and without any fear started moving towards the other three.
"Sorry madam. We're sorry. We won't trouble you. Sorry madam" fled the drunkards.

"You call yourself strong and independent? Does showing off your clevage make you independent or strong? Wear short clothes. No problems, but only when you can carry them off. You wear these to turn your boyfriend on, but aren't there other men around? You want to turn on only special selective people without turning the rest on is just like expecting one pin to fall on a perfect strike."

"Shouldn't the other men control themselves? We are women and not sex objects." retaliated Kanica.

"Can you control yourself and your emotions when you are on their dates? Can you control yourself when you see Batman on screen, or some hot guy  on the road. You too judge and comment on them. Even eve-tease them. Yes they should control themselves but just like its difficult to control your hormones during your chums, it's difficult to control their surging hormones. No matter how good or broad thinking a human being is, it is bound to be sexually triggered. Neither are you perfect, nor them. Both have to control themselves and not blame each other for hormonal surges."

"Not all rapes are hormonal surges. Some men just think women are inferior to them. They are like the man leads, the woman follows...."

"That's because of weak and fearful women like you. If you showed a little confidence and a little courage, nobody can say a word to you forget touch you. Be strong and the world follows. Sabki Chaddi fati hai. Sab doosre ki faadne mein lage hain taaki khudki kam fati dikhe." Anjali started walking back towards the hostel.

Kanica stopped her midway and made her sit on the warm sand.

"Tell me your story. You have so much of pain and truth in what you speak. Must be because of your past."

"Middle class family. Practising pshycologist. Love at first sight in class. Head over heels. Job at a reputed hospital. Rich doggy boyfriend. Fulfilled every tantrum. Too dependent on him for everything. Proposed for marriage. Accpeted. Dowry. Given. One and a half years. Pregnant. Beautiful daughter. Husband unhappy with daughter. Cheats. Divorce.Alimony not accepted. Shattered.Self respect.No job. Daughter taken away. Too dependent on husband. All alone. Struggled. Writing to express. Finally landed job with publisher friend. Best selling author. But less money. Working woman hostel. Peace....."

"Wow. You are an amazing person. Don't worry you are never alone. I will always be there with you."

"Lets go back. It's pretty late."


"Hi mommy. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up."
"Reetu!!!. What are you doing here? How did you get here? How are you? I missed you so much!! I love you soo much!! Did you miss mommy??'' Anjali was bursting out in happiness.

Then she saw Kanica wipe a tear and smile at her from the door.

"Thank you."



"Good Morning sweetheart.
No you won't pick me up. I will pick you up from your office."

Anjali overheard Kanica speaking. She quietly placed two tickets for the India-Pakistan cricket match at the Wankhade.


Women aren't weak. Society and customs have made them weak. It's upto them to stand up and choose what and who they wish to be. The bold, strong and independent or the weak, showy, egoistic independent.

No matter what you do or say, women are always independent.

Main Pagal Nahi Hoon

"I did not do anything wrong!!" Riya kept justifying herself looking at the sunset through her boarding school dormitory. She was always irritated, never spoke to anyone in the boarding school and whatever little she spoke would always be out of irritation. She preferred to stay alone, preferred to keep her guilt to herself.

Riya was a 15 year old girl from Mumbai. She was from a middle class family. Her father HAD a decent job in town. Her mother is a software engineer by qualification but a housewife by obligation.

"Hey Riya, could you help me with this chapter?" her room mate asked with a little hesitation.
"Leave me alone!!! I don't know anything. I don't want to talk about it. I didn't do it purposely!!" Riya screamed in frustation.

"Are you mad? What is your problem? All I asked for is a little help and you start some sort of justification about something. You are definitely crazy as everyone says. I thought you were sane and they just tried to bully you but they were right. You are crazy"  her room mate blurted out in anger shattering every small bit on self confidence left in Riya.

Riya walked out of the room with tears in her eyes vanishing into the cold winter night without any fear of her board exams the next day.

"Hey Ri. Your exams are getting over tomorrow. Mumma is coming to pick you up tomorrow. I missed you a lot and I love you."

"I love you too" Riya replied to her mother in a low blunt tone.

"Is everything ok Ri? Did your Maths paper go bad? Are you not completely prepared for your History paper tomorrow?"

"Mum, I'll see you tomorrow" Riya replied and banged the phone down.


Riya felt a little better being home, being back to her room where her dog was waiting for her. The chirping of the sparrows and the mild sound of the sea splashing on the rocks just calmed her down.
Riya sat on the terrace with her dog staring at the sun going down into the sea beyond the horizon. She had a smile on her face. She was finally back with her best friends.

"Ri, dinner is ready"
"I've made your favourite pasta."

Ding-dong  Ding-dong The doorbell rang just as her mom was serving her.

"Ri, It's Kamal uncle"

Riya got off the dining table and started to go towards her room as soon as she heard this.


Kamal was her father's best friend. After her father's death he had been a major support to them. He helped them sort a lot of issues and soon became a regular at her place. He was a widower. His wife had died of cancer a couple of years ago.

"How were your exams Riya?" Kamal asked her making her stop.
"They were OK" Riya replied for the sake of replying.
"Why don't you join Riya for dinner? I've made pasta" Her mom said.
"Sure"

Kamal tried to have a conversation with Riya but without substantial results. Riya gave him one or two word answers.

This continued for weeks. Kamal visited their house every evening. He sometimes stayed over as well. Riya confined herself to her room with her best friends trying to ignore the humans outside. She was waiting for her exam results which were due soon.

"Congratulations Riya!! 89% is a brilliant score" Kamal congratulated her with a box of Ferrero Rocher.
"So what subject do you wish to pursue ahead?" Kamal asked.
"Medicine" Riya replied
"WOW!!"
"What Wow Kamal!! The fees are too damn high for the college she wants to attend. I cannot afford it. I barely earn enough for our survival. It has been very tough since her father passed away. I have somehow cleared all the money he owed at casinos and bars. I cannot afford her education" her mom said very disappointed and helpless.

"Hey hey hey don't cry, don't be disappointed. I will help you pay her fees. I will help you educate her." Kamal said taking her mom in his arms trying to console her.
"I want to marry you." Kamal proposed to Riya's mother.
"I know it's not the right time or place but.."

"NO!! YOU DON'T NEED TO. You are not my father, so don't try to be like him. And you can never be my father. Leave my mother alone. Leave us alone. We will manage."
Riya blasted and separated her mom from him.

"Get out of the house and don't come here ever again. I don't want to see your face again." Riya started dragging Kamal towards the door.

Slappp
Slappp
Slappp

Riya's mom slapped her hard.

Kamal intervened and stopped her mom.
"Calm Down. Let's go inside. She's a kid"

Kamal took Riya's mom inside.

Riya stood there alone. Her cheeks red. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
"MAIN PAGAL NAHI HOON" she screamed and banged her room door shut.


An hour later Riya's mom entered the room. She still had the tear stains on her face.
"I'm sorry mum."
"Its okay"
"Do you want to marry him? Do you love him mum?
"Yes I love him. But I love you more. I want you to accept him. I won't marry him if you can't"
"Did you accept that i did not kill dad? Did you accept I am not mad?" Riya asked with tears rolling down her face in anguish.


"Its OK. You won't understand. Calm down and sleep well" Her mom left the room.


Riya couldn't sleep. The memories of that incident kept flashing in front of her eyes.

That night her father returned home late drunk as usual.
"You're late today. How much will money will you waste on alcohol Ravi? her mom asked.

"Who are you to ask me? You stay in the kitchen and handle the house." he replied pushing her.

"Enough is enough. To handle the house i need money. You waste all your salary on alcohol. You loans worth lacs from various people. They come home everyday abusing me and i have to handle them. I have had enough. I am going to work from tomorrow.And you dare push me again"

"Here, I pushed. and I pushed again" Ravi pushed her repeatedly.

Slapppp

"I told you don't. I have had enough" she said slapping her husband.

"How dare you slap me!!!" Ravi blasted at her angrily and held her by the neck.
"I will kill you" he said choking her.

Slowly he started lifting her by the neck.
"Ravi you're choking me. I can't breathe. It's hurting me."

Her eyes started to roll up. He face puffing. Trying to catch some breath. Her feet were a few centimetres above the ground.


CRASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHH.

Riya had stood at her room door all this while but could not see it anymore. She took the glass vase lying on the table and hit her father on the head so hard that the vase shattered to pieces.

Ravi left her neck and just crashed down to the floor. He became unconscious. There was blood all around from the back of his head. Her mom dropped to the floor.

Riya stood there motionless. Just as motionless as her father on the floor...



Riya startled up from her visions.
Her mom had come back.
"Can't sleep sweety? Come in my lap." she took her in her lap.

"I didn't kill him on purpose mom. I didn't mean to kill him."

"You killed him. Why did you hit him?" Her mom asked her.

"He would have killed you. I saw your eyes roll over. I just tried to save you. I'm sorry"

"It's ok sweety. I know you didn't do it on purpose.
I know you didn't kill him on purpose. I know you saved me. But i had no way out then.

I know you are not mad. But I had to say it because that was the only way to sustain your education and protect you from the hatred of our family. I could not afford your education. I did it to protect you."

"You are a very courageous and brave daughter. You're my only daughter. I could not lose you. I could let the police take you away. I made up the story to save you.Sending you to the remand school was the only way to protect and edducate you. I'm sorry. I love you"

Riya remained silent for a while.


"Leave me alone mum." Riya said and turned away on her bed.



"Hi, Kamal uncle" Riya said in a happy tone giving him an envelope.

'For YOU AND MOM'

Kamal and Riya's mom were surprised.

"Open it. Quick!!"

Kamal had a smile on his face, Riya's mom tears, tears of happiness on opening the envelope.
It had a message.


                                                 
                                                  'KAMAL WEDS SONAL'

Social Animals?

What happens when you feel lonely?

1. Pick up your smartphone-log into Facebook / twitter / Instagram and swipe through what the world is upto. Get jealous that you cannot do the same cool things that they are. Shut the app in anger. Curse yourself and feel even more lonely. More than social networking sites they have become newspapers and the main source for everlasting lonliness, fakeness, KATTA to be precise where all gossip is put up, people ridiculed because here you have the support of 1000 other fake people who do not care a damn about the truth or lies and just hit like or share without going into the depths of things. 

In reality you would not have the guts to even speak a word to the person in front of you leave alone gather a crowd of 10 people. Today I ridicule someone, tomorrow that person is in front of me and i won't even recognise him. I mean how many people and how many things have been ridiculed on these so called social networking sites and  forgotten by the next day?

2. Again pick up your smartphone-log into Facebook/Twitter/Instagram but this time for a different reason. Use it as a virtual dating site. Stalk at 100 different profiles of guys and girls that fancy your taste. Try to talk to them, poke them, urge them to come out on date with you and then what? I guess you know the reply.

If that does not work post messages such as "UR KEWL" "UR BEUTIFUL" "S*** A**" on their pictures. I mean who speaks such language?

Simply speaking why can't people stop making it a dating or stalking place and keep it the way it was designed to be? A social networking place to meet old friends, view different travel locations in their pictures etc etc.(I know it was designed to stalk people by Zuckerberg but then i was told to use it to find friends).

Yes man is a social animal but to such a extent that everything for him is virtual. Birthday wishes virtual. Engagement announcement virtual. Divorce virtual.

Forget that. The best part is a girl puts up a pic of herself up but only wants a few people to see them. If someone she does not like likes the picture and if by chance its a guy he is doomed. 

I am only worried of the term of social animal being completely misused. Everything is online. Everyone wants to be popular. Everyone wants to make fun of the other so that he looks better and is higher on the popularity charts. Memes are made to make fun of people especially successful ones. I'm worried one day this will ruin all our relationships. Entertainment should not be searched for on social networks. Rather just use it to connect via thoughts, picture, videos , stories and inspiration instead of gossip.

Man is a social animal. Not a gossip girl.

Regular or Special?

Last week I was having a conversation with a college friend saying she had broken up with her boyfriend because they could not handle distances and she could not give him time.
She really broke down saying what happened that the person who spoke to her the most, did everything day and night with her just wants to stop talking to me because of distance?

I was convinced that he missed her. Missed her a lot. But he didn't know how to express. But did they miss each other because of the regular things they did for each other everyday or was it the special things?

We fall for people who do special things for us. A chocolate in the middle of the day, a special text in the middle of the night, a bouquet of roses every time we meet and it gives us wings. But what happens when the person stops doing those things? We hate them. We ignore them. The same special things now look irritating. They make you angry. They moving away hurt you.

In all of this pain you just move to the so called best friend whose always there. Everyday doing every small things for you. From a daily coffee, to your daily assignments, lunch, dinner, problems, smiles everything. We just ignore them and take them for granted. We run to them in our problems.

Its the day to day stuff in which we miss the people who have always been there. Life does not stop. We find different ways to do things. Things do become difficult and we miss the things we are helped in but we still search for the special moments. The special people. We long for special moments in our tough independent day to day lives. This loop just continues.

Its better to have someone whose there with us in our day to day chores, who change our lives by small things everyday than someone doing something big in one day.

We would always like to have a regular tea everyday than a special expensive drink every night.

The story of a ring.

Ananya was upset. So upset that she decided go sit in the park in the cold Delhi winters. She took her activa and drove to Lodhi gardens.

In the midst of the chilly evening she found most of the benches occupied by couples sipping tea, eating bhutta or just sitting really close to each other to feel the warmth and be a little romantic. She walked a little further and found an empty bench. But she found something else too.

A young man in his mid twenties was sitting on the grass. He wore a crisp shirt and by the looks of his tie and bag he looked to be a successful investment banker. Curious about what he was doing she moved towards him.
"Hey, what are you doing?" She asked with a little impatience.
"Nothing!! Just pulling out some grass" he replied with a lot of arrogance and anger at being questioned.

Ananya sat down on the bench right near Rohan. "Will you have tea? Its getting cold and you're not wearing a wind cheater. You will catch a cold. You can find whatever you're searching for after sometime" she said politely.
Rohan looked at her angrily but then gave in and sat on the bench.

"What are you searching for?" She asked while they had sipped half their teas.
"I'm searching for my fiance's ring. I am supposed to propose to her and in my carelessness I dropped it here. She's going to be so annoyed at me. It was worth 3.5 lacs." Saying he got down frantically searching for the ring again.

"Hey hey calm down!! Its just a ring." Ananya said in a tone portraying her impatience. Why am I even caring for a guy I dont know? I already have a lot of my own problems, why do I even care?? Ananya thought and looked away.

Ananya kept thinking about how she had fought her parents because they kept nagging her for marriage, her career, her aspirations all at stake. She had decided to run away.
Ananya just wanted peace. She wanted to to her own thing and not hurt her parents but eventually she will have to sacrifice one of them. She kept thinking and soon went home forgetting that there was a guy still pulling out the grass.

Next evening Ananya went to the same park and to her surprise she found Rohan near the same bench searching for thing. She tried to ignore but something just pulled her towards him.
"You are still trying to find the ring? Why? Why not just leave it?? You lost it fine. Humans make mistakes. Just calm down and go tell her the mistake. She won't mind." Ananya said in a comforting tone.

"This is the same bench where we spent the most romantic moments of our relationship. Her smile, her tears, her successes, her problems everything" Rohan said with a little pain and sadness

"And yours?" Asked Ananya
"Uh and mine too" Rohan stuttered.

"Its getting late. Go back and tell her. Things will be fine." Ananya said and walked towards the exit. In the misty winter evening she was out of sight very quickly.

The next evening Ananya came to the same bench to find Rohan still trying to search for the ring. But today he had tears in his eyes. He was searching for the ring as if his entire life depended on it.
"What the hell are you doing? Ananya asked though she had understood things hadn't gone as planned.

" I need to find the ring at any cost." Rohan said frantically searching for it not paying attention to Ananya.
"Hey calm down and just sit here" ananya said pointing at the empty side of the bench she was sitting on.

Rohan reluctantly sat on top. His trousers stained with soil from sitting on the grass.

"She called off the marriage. How could I be so careless? She says If I can't take care of a simple engagement ring what will I take care of her? She says I'm the most careless person she's ever seen." Rohan said with tears in his eyes.

Ananya pulled out the ring and placed it in Rohan's palm.

"Where did you find it? Rohan asked with a small smile.
" I found it on the first day in the grass. Did not give it to you on the first day because I wanted to see if you really love her."

"And the second day?" Asked Rohan.
"I wanted to see if she is worthy of you." Ananya said and started walking towards the exit.

"Its getting dark and cold. I live in Cannought Place. Can I drop you somewhere?" Ananya said sitting on her scooty to Rohan, who was waiting for an auto on the exit.

"Sure." Rohan said with a smile on his face.

They steadily moved away into the thick mist of the Delhi winters.

Why are we taken for granted?

I was having this conversation with my friend a few days back when she said that she was tired and pissed with being taken for granted. I guess everyone is.

Maybe it has something to do with our generation. Or maybe the way we have become way too complacent. The problem i think is that we have stopped valuing things and people. But why is that happening?

We have too many options and too many solutions easily available. We do not wish to fight for Or sustain the things we value. We have become too accustomed to options. We have options for everything.

We do not go out of the way to do things for people. We want importance and recognition. So much recognition to fuel our egos that we value recognition and not emotions.
For us relationships have become stepping stones.

We love our parents till they give us money and love. The day we have money we ignore them. The day they ask us for something we are not there. We have options available for parents. We have our wives, our work pressures, our girlfriends. We choose the latter, easier option. Why can't we just take the tougher route of convincing them and balancing our lives with theirs? Wavelengths don't match is a problem I've heard a lot about. But since we are their creation won't our wavelengths match?

We have friends. 1000+ friends on 5+ accounts on multiple sites. But we keep crying alone. Why can't we do things for our old friends? Friends who stayed close always but only because of small problems and big egos we let them go. But in a while we have new ones coming in. We don't need the old ones. We just forget them. We just simply Move On. Why can't we just stay there for them? Not like pervs or pushy people. But just as you?
No we dont. We just move on with our options.

Our romantic relationships are the best. Breakups and hook ups happen overnight. I had heard of talaq talaq talaq but now it's even more simpler. BLOCK everywhere. I never heard of our parents generation doing anything like this. I did hear them saying that their partners brought the better out of them. But never heard that I'm leaving him because he did not do this for me but someone else did it for me.
Even marriages as old as 10 years go through divorces because they find options.

Why can't we simply narrow down the options to 1 person we have and get the best out of them? Because in doing so you too transform into a better person. You too improve upon your mistakes. But we want multiple people doing things for us but we for none. We want to be popular in 1000 people  but not dependable for just 1 friend.

Be independent yes. But be dependent too. Be dependable too. But most of all be there. Don't take things for granted and work towards them. Value them. And even after all this people take you for granted smile with your head high because you're the better person. Just smile with satisfaction.

Anger and ego?

Why does he keep questioning me?
Why can't be as simple as Harry is?
I am such a bitch saying this but I love both of them. Both of them have given me the same amount of attention and care and have looked after every small thing.

Rohan has stood there understanding every emotion of mine, every small thing that is on my mind while Harry has always been there when I miss home. He's the closest thing I have to home.

I can't keep loving both. Rohan keeps questioning me. Why can't he just trust me? That I love him?
How dare he try to fix me?
I don't love him.
I don't miss him.
We had the connect but the interrogation lost it.
He always has to impose things his way.

Why can't he be like Harry just going with the flow?

What will mom say if she comes to know?
Will she accept?
Or will she just curb my freedom I have just found?
What if people in the office create a scene?

I don't want to lose both but I don't think Rohan will understand and not be possessive. He will be hurt if I can't give him the attention. But right now I just have a few months to enjoy my freedom.

Things won't be the same with Rohan again.
He will be possessive. He won't understand. He will keep mistrust in Harry. He will be hurt if I be with Harry.

I love both and I'm tired of deciding. Can't things be the same as they were the 1st day? Why can't both accept each other and stop blaming each other?

Harry is always close to me. The closest thing to bangalore. He is so simple. He has always been there. He can't use me. He's always stood there for me. I can trust him as he says. I've chosen. Decided.
No loving anyone.
Final.

Rohan Is strong enough to handle and Harry has a girlfriend which he won't leave. I choose Harry. Yes I'm hurting Rohan. I will be hurt too. But will heal with time. I still love both but it's enough.

I'm strong independent girl and I can handle myself. I don't need Rohan to be there to handle my emotions.
Harry and me can enjoy the freedom as friends till things are sorted.

It's the best that Rohan stays away to prevent him from being hurt.
And I get my freedom.

I can take care of myself. I'm strong and independent.

Maybe this is what is on in sneha's mind in her ego, anger and dilemma on Rohan.
Rohan Is perfect and Harry is the best friend.

Rohan Is too poky and right now I just need my freedom and space. My mind has run kilometres and is tired.i need to focus on work, parents, career and make myself stronger. I don't need anyone.

The three musketeers are perfect made for each other.

Insecurity or Freedom?

Freedom. That is what every human being seeks in Mumbai. The city of dreams. Sneha too sought the same thing.

Being from a conservative backward family she was always in the protection of her parents. Protected freedom. So she hit it off immediately when she found attention from Rohan and Harry.
But she soon fell in love with Rohan. The mature ever understanding mature Rohan. The kid Rohan. Harry became the best friend whom she always wanted there.

Harry had a girlfriend. 4 years in a relationship. Harry and senha always stayed together. Talking to each other. Standing for each other. They soon fell for each other(maybe).

Rohan did everything he did best. Standing there. Understanding the best he could.
Seeing them get closer Rohan was reminded of his old scars. Old insecurities of him losing people he loved. He lost his best friends in school, college, ex girlfriend leaving him guilty when he needed her the most but most of all his protector. He became really insecure and felt empty and uneasy.

He did not want to blame or want a justification. He just wanted to protect himself from being hurt as he had always been hurt by people moving away. He used to act hastily in his insecurity. But this time he chose not to make a mistake.

He asked both of them If they loved each other. If they did he would walk out of their lives. Harry and sneha both said that she loved Rohan and the former was just a best friend. Rohan accepted asking them to just reduce the physical intimacy of holding hands in public.

Soon the intimacy occurrence increased and with that Rohans insecurity. He still chose to be patient. He again asked them if there was anything on but both denied with the same reason.

Things between Rohan and sneha remained the same. Just that Harry started doing things similar to what Rohan did. With Harry being physically more present and Rohans questions daunting her freedom she latched onto Harry. She got angry at Rohan daunting her freedom asking her the question repeatedly.

Irritated at justifying she said yes she had fallen for Harry. Rohans insecurity barrier was broken and everything of the past hit him. He asked Harry if he had similar feelings and he said yes too.

Being possessive and a little insecure because of a past was the only mistake Rohan made. But because of that he had to pay the price of loosing his love.

His entire pain and anger came out on Harry blaming him for everything that happened. Cursing him day in day out without understanding what had happened. He thought sneha was a substitute harry needed when he missed his girlfriend. Maybe that did happen. He did miss his girlfriend. But Harry had just been protective of his friend when Rohan was insecure.

He just went with the flow protecting her. He behaved the way she demanded him to be. She seeked Rohans attention but in his insecurity Rohan did not see the need. She needed Rohan to understand that her freedom and identity matters to her but Rohan and Harry matter to her more. That she loved him always and Harry was a best friend. But she found it in Harry.
The same connect. Same attention.

Maybe none of them were wrong. A little better communication from Harry or a little more patience and trust from Rohan or a little more understanding from sneha and things would have been different.  Normal.

But they weren't.  Sneha moved away from Rohan. Harry was pissed at Rohan for constantly asking those questions and Rohan was in his insecurity yet again.

Rohan doesn't know what can be done to get things normal.  Or get the connect back. In the entire mash up of feelings the flower of love withered away..
1000 right things make a connect but 1 wrong things destroys it? Who knows..

Continuing the traditional fictional character of Rohan and his stories.

Promises.

It's not the big bombastic promises you make in life that matter. It's the small things you do for the people you love.

You promise big things to your mum saying I'll buy you a saree, a house, a car, a driver but have ever gone and tried to understand what's there in her heart? What she miss? What does she want?
    All she wants is her son to lie in her lap and ask her to sing him a lullaby. All she wants is for him to talk to her everyday for a while so that she can share everything out. All that she wants is simple attention and care to prove you're there.

You promise your dad that you will join his business. You will take it multifold. You will grow with him. But all he wants is to see you independent.  He wants to see you take responsibilities for all your actions and people around you. People important to you. He wishes to be your protector when you fall. But all you do is tell him he is poky and intruding your space and freedom.

When we fail and fall we do get up because we are strong independent egoistic people. But the path of getting up becomes more painful because the people we need as support are missing. The experience of your dad and the warmth of your mom is missing. You start regretting, feel guilty and then one fine day you snap. Woosh.

Rather than regretting later have a balance and listen to them now and convince them about your actions. They have gone through the same phase as ours.  They will understand.

You promise the moon and the stars to the one you love. But can you actually get them? No. You promise all materialistic things from flowers to chocolates to cars to bikes but do you Care when they are hurt? When they are angry? Do you try to understand the feeling they are going through? No. You get more agitated on them and end up screwing matters even more. They feel alienated. Just staying there and asking them what it is matters the most. Your advice is not as valuable as your patience and you listening capability to their problems.

Loving someone is not having them for you always. It's about you helping them grow. But the growth should not be one sided. Both the halves should give enough attention and priority to the other that they grow. Anything that changes the priority ruins the relationship.
Physical intimacy, freedom, space are all superficial things. So are jealousy, possessiveness. If two people love each other genuinely they will not leave any stone unturned to make the other half secure. They will leave no place for any superficial thing to creep in the two. Their lives will be open books growing from page to page.

But I guess we have forgotten the words patience and sacrifice.  We want everything for us. Our happiness, our feelings, everything. Happiness is in looking at your other smiling and knowing it's because of you. Because of your attention and care. And not because of ROSES.

Satisfaction and happiness are the only feelings needed to reach Nirvana.
I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.

But why do keep and make promises? Only to break them.
Walking miles together with the people you love without making promises is the only solution to a journey called life.

To be or not to be?

"Maybe she never loved me. Maybe.
She's in her own new world of freedom. Just like a teenager. Happy in the bright shiny lights of freedom. Breaking rules. Taking independent decisions.

But in her search for freedom has she forgotten her true feelings?
The feelings of love, friendship? Maybe. She's not understanding whom she loves and whom she likes. Whom she cares for and whom she does not? Does she know. Maybe no. Anything and everything that leads her to the path of freedom has become an integral part of her life." Rohan kept thinking in his head. He had tried hard to understand. Hard to trust the one he loved but somehow he wasn't able to.

Every time her best friend has been the centre of attention. "He likes this. He wants this. He is annoyed, what's wrong with him, " were always her talks even when she was with him.

Maybe he was wrong. He wasn't doubting her. Just that the chemistry, care, attention and love he could see in their eyes was making him think otherwise. Maybe she trusted him to take care of him and her both.

His hands on her shoulders even when they are in a group,  holding hands every now and then,  and doing things which a couple generally does just sort of unnerved him. He was strong and mature enough to understand. He did not mind that.

But was he actually strong enough? Maybe no. He too is emotional. He too wants attention. He too wants somebody to understand and take care of him even though he is independent. Maybe he was already too hurt to be hurt more.  He too is human.

He still chooses to understand and trust and stay there. For him her freedom and her search for her identity is much more important than his own pain. Her smile and satisfaction were more important to him than his emptiness or loneliness or whatever feeling it was which he did not understand.

Was he being selfish in being possessive about her? He didn't want to curb her freedom but he didn't want her attention to be divided from him.
Too much dilemma.

The only solution he saw was to keep his awkward feelings inside and not complicate matters. He was strong enough to bear pain but she couldn't bear the load of loosing her identity and freedom.

Or maybe he was too weak to watch her move away slowly but steadily?
Time will steady things maybe. Or maybe the attention will divide more as she finds new friends. Or new people with better chemistry.

Distance does make the heart grow fonder. That is why he feels whatever he is feeling.
Maybe all he needed was a little more attention. A little more care or maybe a little bit of something he didn't know what. If not anything he just needed a tight hug to put his broken pieces back together.

Readers have told me that the blog has been too guy centric and should be more girl centric too. Sorry to disappoint you but being a guy I'm as alienated to understanding a woman as any other guy.